i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
