You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And my parents said I crawled through the house
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
