I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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