i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
