the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
