he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I intend to get homeless drunk
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
