I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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