did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
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