No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
