seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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