I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
