mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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