there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
