Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
