She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
