someone threw a dead crab at me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
