now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
