He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
