You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
