Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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