she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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