just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
