Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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