I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
These tits shall not be calmed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
