Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
