smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
