i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
