Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
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