cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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