So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
