i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
