we're chasing vodka with high fives
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
