dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
