I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
