I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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