I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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