So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
