I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the condom got lost in my hair
cat food counts as protein by the way
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
