Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
