my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
