that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
