I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
