Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
