i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
