You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
