Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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