When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
