Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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