well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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