I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
