I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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