Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
