I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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