im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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