Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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