I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
