the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im part way to drunk.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
