new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
