i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
