my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
