cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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