dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Four minutes until I can fart!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My bed smells like the plague
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